Vote for Seattle Best Man Brayden Olson, raising money for March of Dimes.

Click on the link to vote. No spam, just raising money for March of Dimes in the Capitalist catergory against four others.

http://spyonvegas.com/contests/2012-best-man-seattle-capitalist/brayden-olson/

Charlie Sheen

"Coke is God's way of saying you make too much money."

-Robin Williams

Sometimes, when you look back at the moment a guy asks you out,  you realize you should have clicked your Christian Louboutin heels together three times and said, "There's no place like hell, there's no place like hell..." because let's face it- the epitome of evil poking you in the ass with a burning pitch fork would have been more fun than a date with that guy. Sure, he looks good, is funny, and definitely is interested in you but it doesn't mean the pros of why you date this guy keep going. In fact, that's about when they stop. The guy may open his mouth and everything he says loosely translates to: "I've gone as far as I want to in society. The buck stops here."  There needs to be some law that all douchebags should be required to wear Ed Hardy or Affliction gear so that they can be easily identified to prevent further damage in the dating world.


I met Charlie Sheen at his place of work, which is a mortgage company, in March of this year. He actually saw me walking out of his building and ran out of his office to ask me out. It was kind of flattering in that stalkerish, "I'm really desperate sort of way" but first impressions aren't always accurate...right?  The best moments of hindsight are the ones where the realization that a Brazillian wax would have been less painful than listening to this guy talk. Too bad I'm only partially deaf in one ear. I picked Charlie Sheen on a Wednesday and as soon as he gets into my car, he slides the seat back and slouched to the point where his knees touched the dash (I felt like that was the signal to do a drive-by)  then said, "You drive a Hybrid? Nice. They're spendy." Oh, gee...that's why I bought the car. For your sole approval.  Charlie suggested dinner at an upscale Thai place in Bellevue, which was a favorite establishment for him....because he can drink as much as he wants and then just walk to his condo. As soon as he sat down he ordered a double Jack and Coke. It was kind of like watching a guy who knew he was about to be sentenced to mandatory AA meetings having a final drink. Not only did Charlie toss that bad boy down his throat, he then asked for the rest of my mojito that I was apparently "nursing." Ever see some people eat hunched over after getting out of prison in order to protect their food? It was like that with my mojito, I had to protect my drink because it was my only link to sanity and tolerance. After we ordered dinner, he decided to tell me about his hot sister (wtf? He must be related to Angelina Jolie and her sister kissing brother) and how she's a former model/current cop who has all these guys after her. One guy called him crying to ask him how to get her back. Well, uh, maybe she dumped the guy because he wasn't on her brother's level. Ew. His mother is a secretary for the FBI, his step dad a former cop, and his dad is FBI. They were so well off they sent him to Life Christian private school and didn't mind his drug usage as long as he got good grades.  He also enjoys long walks on the beach, listening to Bach, scholastics such as reading, writing ....oh and yes, his friends weed and coke. Charlie Sheen mentioned that "I hate my job so much I spoke a blunt right out of bed, throw on a designer suit (I was almost sure he was straight....) and head to Starbucks for coffee and munchies (betcha those baristas are way impressed) then roll in to work to deal with my bitch of a boss."  On the weekend, coke is the drug of choice. (Maybe he should switch careers and become D.A.R.E officer) I kept staring at his watch and class ring to see if I could find the little latch where the drug would be stored. Seriously thinking of becoming a street pharmacist. It's people like him that could have me retiring by the time I'm 35. His parents apparently also own a plane and paid for his pilot's license so that he can travel "reasonably any time he wants to."  Charlie Sheen managed to ask me two questions about myself (where was I from and what type of music I listened to) only to interupt me and turn the subject back on himself and all the celebrities he's hung out with. Reggie Jackson? You don't know him?! (I almost said, Lindsay Lohan? You don't know her? I thought all you drug addicts know one another....) I could have shot myself in the face, if only to end my own misery. The little bastard eventually stole the rest of my mojito while I debated about sneaking out of the restaurant or just rocking myself into a safe place. The one nice thing that happened for me on this glorious o' nights? He paid. Oh, look! It's so small, you almost miss it....but wait, there it is! ...a silver lining. I dropped him off at his Coke Palace and he invited me up to his condo to smoke a blunt with him. Thanks, but I would have a black out party by myself and a bottle of tequila.  Charlie must have been impressed with my listening skills and overabundance of manners by not telling him to go f*** himself because he text me, and I quote "So I figure you qualify for another date. What's up with dinner"  Well, what I figure is he definitely doesn't qualify.

Socially Awkward Guy

"Dating is kind of like trying to find a parking spot at Costco- all the good ones are taken and only the handicapped ones are left"    -Eastside Girlism

A social reject is someone who should not be confused with a social outcast. This individual is a person who is rejected by people who aren't social rejects, but are accepted by other special little people of their own kind. A prime but pretty obvious example are people who play World of Warcraft or Halo. It's like crack in CD-Rom form for people who live in their mother's basement and work for Game Stop....or a guy whose dad was my co worker and thought we'd be a "great match. You guys would be perfect together."



I think a really awesome starting point for any guy is when his dad harasses his co-worker via email, IM and in person to date their kid. Just to get the guy to quit nagging me about his kid, I finally said ok after two weeks of constant bombardment since Socially Awkward Guy's dad said, "Even if it doesn't work out, you'll at least get a free dinner out of it." Warning bells had already gone off but the fact that the dad may had an idea that it was a pity date should have been the first sign of the Apocalypse. Socially Awkward Guy was pretty quiet on the phone but I chalked that up to the weirdness we must have both been feeling since it was technically a blind date. I suggested a few of my favorite restaurants for him to pick from in Seattle and he picked the priciest one...which I then told him to go online and check out the menu (hint, the prices are listed on the site but I'm guessing World of Warcraft was more important than opening a new browser). We met at The Purple Cafe in downtown Seattle which is a wine bar. He wore a Mr. Rogers sweater, Dockers and shoes that looked like he bought them at the Tacoma B and I. Not that I completely judge someone based on their lack of fashion sense...oh wait, actually I do. He was tall and looked like a starving Ethiopian child with ears that could pick up radio stations across the globe. The entire three courses of the meal consisted of one-sided conversations. ME: "Did you grow up in Seattle?" SAG: "No, California." Crickets....crickets....crickets...ME: "What do you do for fun?" SAG: " I play WOW (oohhh woooowww...I never would have guessed that!) and I work three jobs because I like money. I bought a nice Mazda with my money." A 'nice Mazda' is an oxymoron but considering the source, you almost have to let it slide. About this time I asked him if he went to a university, SAG told me he quit going to Bellevue Community College because "the books in the backpack hurt my back and I do well enough I don't need an education." Obviously not if you're working three jobs buddy. This was about the point I made up my mind to do the right thing by either punching a baby out of sheer frustration or I was going to start drinking. Unfortunately, I choose the latter as there weren't any babies readily available in the restaurant but the upside was that we were in a wine bar. You're damn right, I ordered a bottle. I was looking at the wine as more of an investment in my mental health than as a bottle of red deliciousness. I let him have a small glass but I made sure I was throwing it back like tequila shots so he couldn't get WOW tainted hands on my pinot noir. When the tab came, it sat on the table awkwardly for about 15 minutes. Finally I whipped out my wallet, threw a $100 down for my portion as well as to include $20 for tip which he pocketed then ran his card for the bill. He actually tipped $20 bucks on a $170 tab. Uh....what the fuck? We had amazing service and he didn't tip?! In the Land of Passive Aggressive, I feel that I may be their queen. I said nothing but not because I didn't want to confront, but because I doubt he could comprehend anything beyond a virtual reality. He tried to walk me to my car which I told him was four blocks in the opposite direction of his place. Actually, I parked kiddy corner to the restaurant. He leaned it to try and kiss me outside the restaurant. The beauty of being 5'2 is that when a tall person tries to kiss you, you see that bad boy coming at you within enough time to dodge it. I hauled ass like a kid in Detroit after stealing something from the local 7-11 to my parking garage, letting him see that I parked close and guess what? I was hoping he would see so his window licking, helmet wearing self would  realize I lied. Lo and behold,  the next day he text me that he wanted to see me again for lunch. I briefly thought of joining WOW so I could find him online and virtually kill him. Ah....passive aggressive can have its perks. I deleted his father from my work IM and blocked his emails. At least his dad got the hint.

The BMW Guy

"It is better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt." -Albert Einstein


I met this guy through my work, he seemed nice enough and my boy loving friend Stephen thought he was cute so I thought, what the hell?  BMW Guy and I made plans to meet at Barnes and Noble is Woodinville to go to an Italian Restaurant nearby. He had just bought a BMW and was a little more excited about it than he should be. For the ten minute drive to the restaurant he talked about his car, his life, and well himself mostly.  Then we get the restaurant....and it's closed. Gee, I'm glad that was planned well.  I think the best part was how he was talking about the restaurant being his favorite place and he goes there all the time. Uh huh....yeah....how is it that he didn't know that it opens at 5 on Saturdays. So BMW guy says there's another Italian Restaurant close to that one, just down the road. Um, yeah, if 25 mins is close, sure but he left that out so I was stuck with him revving his engine and talking about himself and the stupid car. By the way, he forgot to mention his ex worked the restaurant we went to. He actually stopped outside the door, said "oh shit, I don't think we can go in there, I think the hostess is my ex." Someone applaud this guy for managing to find anyone who go out with him more than once and claim him as a boyfriend. I guess miracles can and do happen. At dinner, I would ask him a question and he'd answer and go on and on about himself. I know all the jobs both sisters have had, his family background and why he was living at home (fucking kidding, what is this trend?!) and all about a ring his grandfather gave him...like I truly care.  After so generously splitting the tab with me but even more magnanimous of him was when he paid the tip which he seemed to think was a big deal. I think my favorite highlight is when BMW guy struggling to figure out how to double click the keyless entry to unlock the passenger door so he got in the car while I waited outside of it as he kept clicking it to make it unlock. Are you fucking serious?! It's 15 degrees and he left me outside of the car while he was in it so he can play with his car? Also, burning out your car and driving like a teenager would a suped up Honda makes me want to go all Tiger Woods' wife on his car. I'm Asian and my driving is better than that.  Best part, when he dropped me off at my car, he talked for five mins explaining he was really off today and was exhausted but wants to see me again.  Yeah, I'd rather offer myself as a human sacrifice to some cannibals.

Ugly Things Inside Pretty Packages

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked"--Jerry Seinfeld


     One of my favorite places to hang out in Seattle is in Belltown. It has such an eclectic short of mix that there is always something for everyone. You want metro guys whose jeans cost more than your Rock & Republics? See Sound Lounge is the place. You want a Codger (that's a coffin dodger mind you) then head to Twist. Old men with money (or just really good credit) claim that as their territory and would like to take care of any daddy issues you may have. If you feel like being roofied or shot, Club Venom is your best bet to troll for that guy who "keeps it real, yo, ya know what Imatalkin' 'bout?" For me, the most likely place to speak with someone who doesn't use the words"ah, shhhiittt" as well as having a job is Amber. Guys are not as likely to grab you and put his face within three inches of yours and ask to buy you a drink here. A few months ago some girls and I decided to have a girls night out and went to Amber. Normally, I'm not a big fan of meeting a guy at the bar. Who doesn't act like they're someone else that they aren't when their out in the bar? You're more flirty, you're more fun, and you're definitely more drunk. Drinking lowers inhibitions and let's not lie here. EVERYTHING can eventually look good with alcohol, right? (Forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions) This is how I met The Canadian. He was good looking, had these incredible baby blues and he was articulate. He's lived in Washington since he was 22 and was 31. He followed us to Venom a few hours later and we talked for a couple of hours. He was so nice, fun and didn't seem the Ted Bundy type so I gave him my number. Living in Olympia at the time, I drove to Seattle to meet him at his place so that we can go to the Steelhead Diner and a charity event. He lived in a nice apartment on Wall Street and was just as good looking as I remembered. (No beer goggles for this girl!!) I used the restroom prior to use going out and oh, hey! What is a guy doing with wooden necklaces on top of the toilet tank? My Blackberry doesn't actually have a camera phone so I text my girlfriend Nancy in the matters of sex toys as she's a pro. Within six text messages, her deduction of the "necklace" was as followed: "RUN BITCH RUN! THOSE ARE ASSBEADS!!!" Wooden ass beads....who uses them unless they're a porn star?! I went to school with a porn star and I'm sure even her standards are above using those ass beads. Of  course I acted like nothing was wrong and as soon as the evening was over, I hauled ass to my car. Even though he's on my Facebook and we don't talk, when I have a bad day I look at his account and remember that at least my little booty is safe from harm's way.